Never Split the Difference Summary (3 Tips From Ex-FBI Agent)

☞ Never Split the Difference: Short Summary

In this Never Split the Difference summary, you’ll discover valuable tips on how to be a better negotiator, whether it’s in your everyday life or during important situations.

The book teaches us that compromising is not the best approach, and it shows us how to negotiate effectively.

Negotiating might make you think of formal meetings or police handling hostage situations. But in reality, negotiation happens all the time in our daily lives.

It can occur at home, with friends, when shopping, or even with your children. Negotiation simply means interacting with a specific goal in mind.

Think about when you ask your boss for a raise, and they hesitate. Or when your partner wants to dine at the usual restaurant while you want to try something new. Parents negotiate when they try to get their kids to eat broccoli before dessert.

Now that you know what negotiation is, it’s time to learn how to do it well. Most people struggle to persuade others effectively.

Former FBI international kidnapping negotiator, Chris Voss, shares his negotiation secrets in “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It.” Whether you’re dealing with high-stakes situations or everyday conversations, you can benefit from his expertise.

You’ll learn essential skills like how to build trust through mirroring and using the right tone of voice, how to understand and address the other person’s emotions, and the importance of taking your time, not giving in to demands, and avoiding compromises.

Here are the top 3 lessons from this Never Split the Difference summary:

Are you ready to discover how to achieve your goals in any situation? Let’s get started!

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☞ Never Split the Difference: Full Summary

Chapter 1: The New Rules

The history of hostage-taking and hostage negotiations is indeed a complex one, with its roots stretching back thousands of years. While the concept of taking hostages as a means of exerting control or gaining leverage has ancient origins, the formalization of hostage negotiation as a specialized field is a more recent development.

Here’s a brief overview of the points you’ve mentioned:

1. Historical Background: Hostage-taking has been documented in various historical contexts, including incidents in the Old Testament and during the Roman Empire. In many cases, the response to hostage-taking was the use of military force to rescue hostages.
2. Development of Hostage Negotiation: In the 20th century, especially after several tragic incidents where hostages were killed, law enforcement agencies recognized the need for a more nuanced and strategic approach to hostage situations. Specialized hostage negotiation units were established to handle these complex scenarios.
3. Harvard Negotiation Process: In 1979, the Harvard Negotiation Project was founded to develop negotiation theory and practice applicable not only to hostage situations but also to other contexts, including business negotiations. Their approach initially emphasized rational and logical processes.
4. Research on Human Irrationality: Psychologists like Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman challenged the assumption of human rationality in decision-making. Their research on cognitive biases demonstrated that humans often make decisions based on emotions and biases, not purely rational thinking.
5. Importance of Emotional Intelligence: Recognizing the role of emotions and human psychology, including the understanding that people are not always rational, the FBI and other organizations began to incorporate psychological systems into their negotiation training. This approach emphasizes empathy, active listening, and understanding as essential tools in negotiations.

In summary, the evolution of hostage negotiation reflects a growing awareness of the complexities of human behavior and the need to consider emotional intelligence and psychology in negotiation strategies.

The recognition that people are driven by emotions, biases, and a desire to be understood has reshaped how negotiations are conducted in various fields, including law enforcement and business.

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Chapter 2: Be a Mirror

Great negotiators are always prepared for surprises. They use their skills to uncover hidden surprises that others might miss. They question assumptions and stay open to different possibilities. Negotiation is not about fighting; it’s about discovering information.

To clear your mind and focus on the other person, make them the center of your attention. Your goal is to figure out what they truly need and make them comfortable enough to talk about their wants.

Negotiations should start with listening, making it about the other person, understanding their emotions, and building trust for a genuine conversation.

Going too fast is a common mistake in negotiations. Rushing can make people feel unheard and damage the trust you’ve built.

There are three tones of voice you can use:

1. The late-night FM DJ voice: Use this to emphasize a point. Speak calmly and slowly to convey authority and trustworthiness.
2. The positive/playful voice: This should be your default tone. It’s friendly and light, creating a positive atmosphere for conversation.
3. The direct or assertive voice: Use this sparingly, as it can cause problems and resistance.

Smile during negotiations. Positivity helps both you and the other person think more clearly and collaborate better.

You can be direct, but maintain a tone that says, “I’m okay, you’re okay, let’s work this out.”

Treat assumptions as hypotheses to be tested during the negotiation.

Mirroring is a powerful technique. Repeat the last few words someone said to show similarity and build a connection. It encourages empathy, keeps the conversation going, gives your side time to think, and helps the other person reveal their strategy.

By repeating what someone says, they often expand on their thoughts, strengthening the connection.

In a study, waiters who mirrored their customers received 70% bigger tips than those who used positive reinforcement.

Having the right mindset is crucial for successful negotiations.

To get what you want without conflict, follow these five steps:

1. Use the late-night FM DJ voice.
2. Start with “I’m sorry…”
3. Mirror.
4. Be silent for at least four seconds to let the mirror work.
5. Repeat.

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Chapter 3: Don’t Feel Their Pain, Label It

In this chapter, we learn about “tactical empathy,” which means understanding how someone feels in the moment and why they feel that way. It helps us influence others better during and after a conversation.

To develop this skill, we can focus on a person’s expressions, gestures, and tone of voice. This process, called “neural resonance,” helps us understand their thoughts and emotions more deeply.

You can practice improving your neural resonance by observing someone speaking or being interviewed on TV. Imagine yourself in their shoes, trying to experience their emotions and situation.

Labeling is a technique that validates a person’s emotions by acknowledging them. It involves giving their emotions a name, showing that you understand how they feel. This creates a connection without prying into their personal life.

To use labeling effectively, you first need to identify the other person’s emotional state. Pay attention to how their emotions change in response to what you say.

Labels typically start with phrases like:

• “It seems like…”
• “It sounds like…”
• “It looks like…”

When you label, your counterpart usually provides more than a simple “yes” or “no” response. If they disagree with your label, it’s okay. You can clarify by saying, “I didn’t say that was what it was. I just said it seems like that.”

After labeling, it’s essential to be silent and listen.

People’s emotions have two levels: what you can see and hear (the “presenting” behavior) and what motivates their behavior (the “underlying” feeling). Good negotiators address these underlying emotions. Labeling can defuse negative emotions and reinforce positive ones.

Labeling can be particularly useful in defusing anger because it makes the person acknowledge their feelings.

The quickest way to build a rapport is to acknowledge and address negative feelings.

Research shows that dealing with negativity involves observing it without reacting or judging. Then, consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-oriented thoughts.

Put yourself in your counterpart’s shoes. By acknowledging their situation, you show that you’re listening, which can lead them to share more with you.

Focus on removing barriers to agreement first. Acknowledging these barriers is better than denying or ignoring them.

After labeling or mirroring, pause and let the silence work. The other person will often fill the silence.

To diffuse your counterpart’s fears, label them.

List the worst things the other person might say about you and say them first. This can make their accusations seem exaggerated and encourage them to contradict you.

Remember that everyone wants to feel appreciated and understood. Use labeling to reinforce positive perceptions and interactions.

Chapter 4: The Power of “No”

In this chapter, we discover that pushing too hard for a “Yes” in a negotiation can actually make things worse. Skilled negotiators see the value in hearing “No” because it helps clarify what both parties truly want by eliminating what they don’t want.

“No” is not the end of a negotiation; it’s the beginning of one. Great negotiators understand that “No” often signifies various things, such as:

• I’m not ready to agree.
• I feel uncomfortable.
• I don’t understand.
• I can’t afford it.
• I want something different.
• I need more information.
• I want to discuss it with someone else.

To make progress, ask solution-based questions like, “What about this doesn’t work for you?” or “What would make it work for you?” These questions help bring out the underlying issues.

People have a natural urge to say “No,” so encourage them to say it early in the negotiation.

There are three types of “Yes”:

1. Counterfeit “yes”: The other person plans to say “no” but uses “yes” as a way to keep the conversation going or gather more information.
2. Confirmation “yes”: This is a simple affirmation with no commitment to action. It’s often a reflexive response to straightforward questions.
3. Commitment “yes”: This is the genuine agreement that leads to action, such as signing a contract. Distinguishing between these types of “yes” is crucial.

Successful negotiators aim to guide their counterpart toward making the negotiation their own. Building rapport and connection is important, but it’s equally essential for the other person to feel responsible for the connection and the ideas they contribute.

Everyone is driven by the need to feel safe and in control. Satisfying these primal urges is crucial in negotiations.

When selling something, start with, “Is now a bad time to talk?” instead of “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” This approach either leads to a better time for discussion or total focus on the conversation.

“No” serves various purposes:

• It brings out the real issues.
• It protects people from making ineffective decisions.
• It allows time for thoughtful decisions and agreements.
• It makes people feel secure, comfortable, and in control.
• It keeps the negotiation moving forward.

To force a “No” in a negotiation, you can ask the other party what they don’t want. If they still won’t say “No,” they might be indecisive, confused, or hiding something.

Saying “No” makes people feel secure, so triggering it can be beneficial. This is why asking, “Is now a bad time to talk?” is more effective than asking if someone has a few minutes to talk.

Sometimes, you can only get your counterpart to engage by intentionally provoking a “No.” This might involve mislabeling their emotions or desires or asking a question that can only be answered negatively, like suggesting they want a project to fail.

If someone is ignoring you in a business context, a direct “No”-oriented question like, “Have you given up on this project?” can be very effective in grabbing their attention.

Chapter 5: The Power of “That’s Right”

The phrase “That’s right” indeed holds significant power in the context of negotiations and interpersonal communication. It represents a pivotal moment when one party acknowledges and affirms what the other party has said. Here’s why “That’s right” is so effective:

1. Acknowledgment and Agreement: When someone responds with “That’s right,” they are essentially saying, “I understand and agree with what you’re saying.” It’s a way of confirming that they have actively listened to and comprehended the other person’s perspective.
2. Building Rapport: Using this phrase can help build rapport and trust in a negotiation. It signals to the other party that their viewpoint is being taken seriously and respected.
3. Breaking Deadlock: As you mentioned, “That’s right” can break down barriers and impasses in a negotiation. It signifies a willingness to move forward and explore potential solutions.
4. Encouraging Further Communication: By acknowledging the other person’s viewpoint, “That’s right” encourages them to continue sharing their thoughts and feelings. It creates an open and constructive dialogue.
5. Avoiding “You’re Right”: As you correctly pointed out, “That’s right” is distinct from “You’re right.” The latter can sometimes be dismissive or imply agreement under pressure. “That’s right” allows for agreement without conceding a position.

In the case of Abu Sabaya and Benjie, when Sabaya responded with “That’s right” after Benjie applied negotiation techniques recommended by the FBI, it signaled a breakthrough.

Sabaya acknowledged and affirmed a point made by Benjie, indicating a shift in the negotiation dynamics and ultimately leading to the release of the hostage.

In summary, “That’s right” is a powerful phrase in negotiations because it fosters understanding, agreement, and progress while maintaining a positive and respectful tone. It serves as a valuable tool for building rapport and resolving conflicts.

Chapter 6: Bend Their Reality

The word “Fair” holds significant power in negotiations. Strive to build a reputation for being fair, as it can greatly influence the outcome of negotiations. Understanding the emotional drivers of the other party allows you to frame the benefits of a deal in a way that resonates with them.

To gain leverage in a tough negotiation, persuade the other party that they have something to lose if the deal falls through. Here’s how:

1. Anchor Their Emotions: Start with empathy by acknowledging their fears. By anchoring their emotions and making them aware of potential losses, you make them more eager to avoid those losses.
2. Let The Other Party Go First: When it comes to pricing negotiations, it’s often better to let the other side make the first offer. This can work in your favor, as sometimes their offer may be higher than what you expected. Be prepared for extreme anchor points if they are skilled negotiators.
3. Establish a Range: Instead of stating a fixed figure, mention a range based on similar deals or situations. This communicates your ballpark while keeping negotiations flexible and avoiding a defensive stance.
4. Pivot to Non-Monetary Terms: After anchoring high, you can make your offer seem reasonable by offering non-monetary benefits that may be important to the other party.
5. Use Odd Numbers: Odd numbers like $37,263 give the impression of thoughtful calculation, while round numbers can seem like placeholders.
6. Surprise with a Gift: After presenting a high anchor that gets rejected, offer an unrelated surprise gift to shift the mood and encourage generosity.

How to Negotiate a Better Salary:

• Be Pleasantly Persistent on Non-Salary Terms: Discussing non-salary benefits can create empathy and a positive atmosphere for negotiation. For example, inquire about extra vacation days.
• Define Success Terms: Once you negotiate your salary, clarify the metrics for success in your position and for future raises.
• Spark Their Interest in Your Success: Present yourself as an asset that can validate your manager’s intelligence and contribute to the company’s success. Make them feel invested in your achievements.

Additional Tips:

• Don’t compromise, as meeting halfway often results in unfavorable deals.
• Avoid rushing negotiations as deadlines can lead to hasty decisions.
• Be cautious when the other party mentions “Fair,” as it can be used as a tactic to gain concessions. Instead, ask them to explain their perception of mistreatment.
• Use anchoring to set the starting point in your favor. Before making an offer, emotionally anchor them by describing potential negative outcomes. When discussing numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your actual offer appear reasonable or use a range to appear less aggressive.
• Highlight potential losses to motivate action, as people are often more motivated to avoid losses than to pursue gains.

Chapter 7: The Illusion of Control

In this chapter, we learn how to create the illusion of control in negotiations, allowing us to steer the conversation in our desired direction. Instead of telling someone what you need, describe what you’re looking for and ask for suggestions.

If the price isn’t right, use calibrated questions like “How am I supposed to do that?” to open the door for further discussion.

Calibrated questions are a powerful tool to educate your counterpart about the problem without creating conflict. Start with questions like “What is the biggest challenge you face?” and adapt these standbys to fit the situation:

• What about this is important to you?
• How can I help make this better for us?
• How would you like me to proceed?
• What brought us into this situation?
• How can we solve this problem?
• What’s the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here?
• How am I supposed to do that?

Calibrated questions make your counterpart feel like they’re in charge, but you’re actually framing the conversation.

Managing your emotions is crucial for successful negotiation. The first rule is to control your reactions and think before you speak.

When verbally attacked, disarm your counterpart with a calibrated question. This prevents the conversation from escalating.

In moments of conflict, people may react defensively or aggressively when they feel powerless. Avoid “Yes” or fact-based questions that invite reciprocity. Instead, use “How” or “What” questions that encourage your counterpart to share more.

Avoid starting questions with “Why” unless you want your counterpart to defend their position. “Why” questions can be seen as accusations.

Calibrate your questions to guide your counterpart toward solving your problem, encouraging them to invest energy in finding a solution.

Remember that there’s always a team on the other side of the negotiation. To be effective, you must influence not only the person in front of you but also those behind the table.

Chapter 8: Guarantee Execution

In this chapter, we explore the importance of being “decision architects” in negotiations, guiding the conversation toward both consent and execution of agreements. Simply getting a “yes” is not enough; you need to understand the “how” behind it.

The power of “How” questions lies in their ability to gently say “No” while leading your counterpart to consider better solutions, ideally aligning with your own. “How” questions also force your counterpart to think about the implementation process, making them more committed to the solution.

Key questions to use include:

• How will we know we’re on track?
• How will we address things if we find we’re off track?

Be cautious when your counterpart says, “You’re right” or “I’ll try,” as these may indicate they aren’t fully invested in the idea. Use calibrated “How” questions to ensure they define the terms of successful implementation in their own words.

Remember that there may be “behind the table” players who can influence agreements, so consider this in your negotiation strategy.

Understanding nonverbal communication is vital. Albert Mehrabian’s 7-38-55 rule highlights that only 7% of a message comes from words, while 38% is from tone, and 55% is from body language. Pay close attention to nonverbal cues, especially when they don’t match the words.

The Rule of Three involves getting your counterpart to agree to the same thing three times during the conversation, strengthening commitment.

The Pinocchio Effect suggests that liars tend to use more words, third-person pronouns, and complex sentences. Conversely, when people use “I,” “me,” and “my,” they may be less important. Pay attention to pronoun usage.

Use the “Chris Discount” technique by using your own name. It creates “forced empathy,” making the other side see you as a person.

To get your counterpart to lower their demands, use “No” in a subtle way, such as “How am I supposed to do that?” You can express “No” four times before directly saying it. Soften your refusal with phrases like “Your offer is very generous, I’m sorry, that just doesn’t work for me.” Test the sincerity of their “Yes” using the Rule of Three.

Pay attention to pronoun usage in the conversation, as it can reveal relative authority. “I,” “me,” and “my” may indicate less decision-making power, while “we,” “they,” and “them” suggest a decision maker with more authority.

Chapter 9: Bargain Hard

This chapter discusses strategies for effective bargaining and negotiation. When you feel you’re getting into a haggle, you can shift the conversation away from the monetary aspects and focus on non-monetary issues that can make the deal more attractive.

You can do this by suggesting, “Let’s put price off to the side for a moment and talk about what would make this a good deal.” Alternatively, you can indirectly ask, “What else would you be able to offer to make that a good price for me?” If the other side insists on you making the first offer, you can allude to an unrealistically high number that someone else might charge.

To break free from a negotiation deadlock, it’s important to shake things up and move your counterpart away from their rigid stance. You can do this by asking, “Why would you do that?” but frame it in a way that benefits your position.

For instance, if you want to lure a client away from a competitor, you might say, “Why would you ever do business with me? Why would you ever change from your existing supplier? They’re great!” This type of question encourages your counterpart to work for you.

Using first-person singular pronouns, such as “I,” is an effective way to set boundaries without escalating into confrontation. For example, saying, “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me,” focuses your counterpart’s attention on you and your needs.

When faced with unproductive statements from your counterpart, you can use the structure, “I feel ___ when you ___ because ___,” to request a time-out and gain clarity on the issue at hand.

Knowing your bottom line and being willing to walk away is crucial in negotiations. Being needy for a deal can put you at a disadvantage.

The chapter also introduces the Ackerman model, a systematic approach to bargaining that involves setting your target price, making an initial offer at 65% of that price, and then using a series of three raises (to 85%, 95%, and 100%) along with empathy and effective “No” responses to guide the other party into making concessions.

The model emphasizes using precise, non-round numbers for credibility and adding a non-monetary item to your final offer to signal your limits.

Additionally, the chapter highlights the importance of identifying your counterpart’s negotiating style (Accommodator, Assertive, or Analyst) and preparing an Ackerman plan that includes extreme anchors, calibrated questions, and well-defined offers to suit their style.

Chapter 10: Find The Black Swan

In this chapter, the focus is on being adaptable and open to the unknown in negotiations, as well as understanding and leveraging the concept of the “Black Swan,” which represents unexpected and highly impactful events or factors that can influence negotiations.

Key points from this chapter include:

1. Every case is new: Negotiators should always be aware of what they know (known knowns) but also remain open to what they don’t know (unknown unknowns) in any negotiation. Flexibility and adaptability are crucial because each negotiation is unique.
2. Leverage in negotiations: To gain leverage in a negotiation, it’s important to understand which side, at any given moment, feels they have the most to lose if negotiations were to collapse. There are three types of leverage: positive (providing or withholding what the counterpart wants), negative (making the counterpart suffer), and normative (using the counterpart’s norms and standards to your advantage).
3. Discovering normative leverage: You can discover normative leverage by understanding your counterpart’s beliefs and standards. Speaking their language and highlighting inconsistencies between their beliefs and actions can give you a normative advantage.
4. Reasons negotiators might appear “crazy”: Harvard Business School professors Deepak Malhotra and Max H. Bazerman offer insights into why negotiators sometimes mistakenly label their counterparts as “crazy.” These reasons include being ill-informed, constrained by hidden factors, or driven by other interests not yet understood.
5. Techniques for finding and exploiting Black Swans: Black Swans are unexpected and impactful factors in negotiations. To identify and exploit them, you should remain adaptable, understand different types of leverage, work to understand your counterpart’s perspective deeply, and exploit common ground and cultural similarities.

Overall, this chapter emphasizes the importance of remaining open to unexpected factors, understanding your counterpart’s perspective deeply, and using various forms of leverage to achieve successful negotiations.

☞ Top 3 Lessons from Never Split the Difference

1️⃣ Build trust with mirroring and correct tone of voice

Lesson 1 highlights the importance of mirroring and using an appropriate tone of voice to build trust and establish rapport during negotiations or conversations. Let’s break down the key points:

Mirroring:

• Mirroring involves repeating what the other person says but as a question. For example, if the other person says, “I’m concerned about the project’s deadline,” you might respond with, “You’re concerned about the project’s deadline?”
• Mirroring helps to create a sense of similarity and connection between you and the other person. It makes them feel heard and understood.
• When people feel that you are similar to them, they are more likely to trust you and open up, which can be crucial in negotiations.

Tone of Voice:

• The tone of your voice plays a significant role in how your communication is received.
• A deep and soft voice, spoken slowly, can be reassuring and comforting. It can help calm the other person’s nerves and encourage them to share information.
• In situations where you want to convey positivity and empathy, a more positive or playful tone is appropriate. Smiling while you speak can help convey this tone, making others feel at ease.

Overall, the lesson emphasizes that effective communication involves not only the words you say but also how you say them. Building trust and rapport through mirroring and using an appropriate tone of voice can facilitate better interactions and negotiations.

2️⃣ Use empathy to your advantage

Lesson 2 emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and understanding the other party’s emotions to gain tactical empathy and improve negotiation outcomes.

Here are the key points:

Acknowledge Emotions:

• In negotiations, it’s crucial not to ignore or dismiss the other party’s emotions. Instead, show empathy by recognizing and understanding their feelings.
• Tactical empathy doesn’t require you to agree with the other person’s emotions or point of view. It simply means you are making an effort to see the situation from their perspective.

Labeling Emotions:

• One effective technique for acknowledging emotions is labeling or stating the other person’s feelings. For example, if the other party seems upset, you might say, “It seems like you’re feeling frustrated right now.”
• Labeling helps the other person feel heard and understood. Studies have shown that when emotions are labeled, it can activate the rational part of the brain.

Calming Effect:

• Acknowledging and labeling emotions can have a calming effect on the other party. It can help them become more rational and less reactive.
• The lesson provides an example of how this technique worked in a negotiation with fugitives. By talking to them, understanding their fear, and labeling their feelings, the negotiator was able to calm them down, ultimately leading to a peaceful resolution.

In summary, tactical empathy involves recognizing and acknowledging the emotions of the other party in a negotiation. This approach can lead to better communication, increased trust, and more successful negotiations by helping the other person feel heard and understood.

3️⃣ Be patient and don’t compromise

Lesson 3 highlights the importance of slowing down and avoiding compromise during negotiations.

Here are the key points:

Avoid Compromise:

• Compromising by splitting the difference is discouraged in negotiations. Simply giving the other party what they ask for may not address their underlying needs or desires.
• People may not always express their true wants or may not be fully aware of their needs. Rushing to a compromise can lead to suboptimal outcomes.

Take Your Time:

• It’s crucial not to rush negotiations, even when faced with deadlines. Rushing can cloud judgment and prevent a deeper understanding of the other party’s motivations.
• Many deadlines are arbitrary and flexible, so it’s often possible to take the time needed to gather information and create a better solution.

Case Example:

• The lesson provides an example of negotiations involving a kidnapper who demanded a ransom of $150,000 for the release of a hostage. By observing the kidnapper’s behavior and recognizing that their seriousness about the ransom increased before the weekend for partying, the negotiator realized that the deadline was not as critical as it seemed.
• This understanding allowed the negotiator to propose a lower ransom amount based on the real motivation behind the kidnapper’s actions.

In summary, the lesson emphasizes the value of patience and not rushing to compromise during negotiations. By taking the time to understand the other party’s true needs and motivations, negotiators can achieve better outcomes and avoid settling for suboptimal agreements.

☞ Final thoughts

I hope you enjoyed reading this Never Split the Difference summary and found it informative! It’s a valuable resource for improving negotiation skills. I would recommend the book to:

1. Young professionals who are looking to enhance their negotiation skills, particularly in salary negotiations.
2. Parents who are interested in improving their communication and negotiation techniques with their children to encourage obedience and cooperation.
3. Anyone seeking to gain an advantage in their everyday interactions and negotiations, whether in personal or professional settings.

The book’s practical insights can be applied to various aspects of life, making it a valuable read for a wide audience.

☞ Popular Quotes by Chris Voss

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